God's Mysterious Ways

For those who didn't know I was expecting, I'd like to share the story of this pregnancy.

Frankie was born last year on the 28th of March. I came down with the familiar symptoms that let me know I was going to have another little one, the end of last July. Since I was nursing Frankie full time, I was not cycling, but after having experienced those symptoms six times (I've had one miscarriage), there was no doubt that another was on the way (especially with the tooth that abscessed!). Everything indicated a baby coming, except that I did not experience as much nausea, which made me wonder. Then, when babies normally "quicken", I didn't feel the baby like I should have, I began to be a little concerned. By the fifth month, as I was not showing like I should have, and had only felt kicking a few times, I was very concerned that something was wrong. My husband had bought me some home pregnancy tests back in September, which both said "negative", but when I took False Unicorn and Lobelia (the miscarriage herbs) and only had contractions for a day, then nothing, I figured the baby was still alive (I think Ken wondered if I really was pregnant, till I did start showing.).

I was showing by six months, but still didn't feel a lot of movement. Then in January I didn't feel anything, and my abdomen was actually a little smaller. Of course we presumed the baby had died (we don't normally see doctors, and didn't have a fetalscope), but wondered why it didn't miscarry.

Then the worrying was about me, and whether or not I would develop blood poisoning from a missed miscarriage! I began taking false unicorn and lobelia again, and had a lot of contractions, but they would stop when then herbs stopped. The emotional roller coaster was, needless to say, pretty intense at times.

After two and a half months and no miscarriage, my husband made an appointment for an ultrasound so we could see what was going on. I tried explaining what had happened to the nurse and ultrasound technician, but I could tell that they didn't believe a word I said. They did a pregnancy test and took me into the ultrasound room, where to our utter amazement, the technician found not only a baby (we were prepared for something scary-looking), but a heartbeat! The baby was measuring at 14 and a half weeks, but had a lot of health issues and they basically sent me home to wait for it to die.

The day after the ultrasound, I was resting in a chair, and felt a few tiny kicks, which were very weak, and some fluttering. Each day after that, I felt them more and more, and within two weeks, my abdomen was the size that it had been before. Now, three months later, I went in for another ultrasound (the doctors were VERY concerned that I was in danger of my life, and checked for everything, but found nothing), where the technician said that she saw basically the same things, and there were "issues with the heart", but didn't go into details on anything. The doctor didn't go over the ultrasound pictures with me, but said that if I started to have contractions, to not stop them, because the baby was considered "terminal."

So, that's where we stand today. The baby's due date was given as 21 September, and I'm supposed to go back in to make sure I don't have toxemia in four weeks. What will really happen to this little one, who is moving around just like a normal baby as I type, I don't know. I don't think that the doctors really know. In fact, there is only One that does really know, and for me, knowing that He knows and that He loves me and this baby, is enough.

All I do know is that each of us has a time to be on this earth, that we each have a plan for our life, which was laid for us before the foundations of the world. Only the One who created us can give us life or take us home, according to that plan.

It would be very sad to have to hold and then say goodbye to this little one, of course, but I have given him (or her) to the Lord. In fact, all of my children are not truly mine, but are His, and if He calls any one of them Home, I would gladly give them back to Him.

An experience like this truly makes me want to hold my children longer, to be a little more patient, to slow down and enjoy this time of their life even more.

May you all be blessed at whatever time of life you are in right now.